in my feelings

she cried a tear similar to the ones before....heartache


4 days

why hasn't your name scrolled across my phone in 4 DAYS!!!
I'm goin nuts inside and out...idk what the hell is goin on i wish you'd just call me or text me. Hell if its nothing more than to say "FUCK OFF" just let me know your alive and well...i can't call you anymore or text you because i dont wanna seem like im pushy. but I AM DAMNIT! I literally count down the hours to sleep so i dont have to face the reality that your not in my reality. But sleep isn't the release i thought it would be...you have gotten so far under my skin that your effecting my dreams. So i toss and turn and wake up on and off...I LIKE YOU ASSHOLE gosh just put me outta my misery already!



been thinking about a lot of things i wanna do not necessarily before i die but just to say i've done. to be well rounded or cultured...lol maybe just to brag about. so here they are:
*be a r&b singer
*sky dive
*be a burlesque dancer
*travel the world
*win a man v. food challenge
*publish a book
*be in a commercial
*back up dance for vanilla ice
*star on a reality series
*help deliver panda cubs
and i whole lot of other random stuff...lol some x rated stuff lol just to try it out. im a curious person!


what to title this?

been in my feelings today, on and off tho. Had a fun day at work it moved slowly but i had fun with my goof

ass coworkers. was pool-side with my kee and tee for most of the day, tanned swam, and cop'd some
digits, played a little h20 football! lol all in all it was great, but you ever have that feeling that something not so good was gonna happen?? been having that feeling and it feels like it's in the direction of Dae'Shawn. idk maybe im over thinking it. maybe i just need an excuse to push him away. either way i hate it! because i really really like him ugh me and this brain of mines. :( welp i can't think of anymore to say without stressing myself out

sweet dreams


random thoughts

-i feel like sex has taken a large part of my life...and i find myself giving into temptation and at times having sex when i don't want to or worse with people i don't want to. so I'm not gonna have sex for a while and see where it takes me.

--sometimes i feel like the world is moving around me and I'm stuck standing still, so i put myself into overdrive and move move move until I'm burnt out...i fidget a lot.

---i prioritize the wrong people in my life, putting those unworthy on a pedestal, being loyal to, and making excuses for people who could on a good day not give two shits about me. time to make a change

----you ever just wanna hurt somebody?...like really physically hurt someone (no one in particular) but just get the urge to cause somebody anybody a complete stranger bodily harm? i do (does that make me a nut, should i go see someone?) lol sometimes i just wanna punch a kid in the face

-----maybe i should see someone...lol it couldn't hurt, right?

------well it's morning and I've rambled enough got some stuff off my chest, be back later I'm sure of it!


Pillow Talk

I lay in bed last night and before finally slipping into my slumber i had a conversation with myself. Not aloud lol i'm not that much a nut, but internally; i discussed where i was in life and where i wanted to be. As a child you always image how life's gonna be when your a grown up. Well i am a grown up and i couldn't be further away from that childhood image. I envision that by the rip old age of 21 i'd be in my career with a steady relationship or marriage a nice home dog car and maybe a little one...what made me think that by 21 that's be my reality, why did i feel like i had to have it all figured out? Why do i still feel as if i should have it all figured out? Rushing so much on myself, just makes me feel as if i've failed and is to far behind in life. I'm 21 for heavens sake, and when i look at what i do have i'm well ahead of the people in my age group. But it doesn't feel like enough. after some more thoughts and some "A.D.D" moments i came to the conclusion that i was gonna try my damnest to live life as it comes day to day and make the best decisions i know how. Because at the end of the day i'm the determinate of my happiness and if i waste away stressing what i don't have and worrying about what i do have i'm gonna miss the blessings that await me....SO, GOOD MORNING WORLD...and thank you lord for all you've given to me


Life is a series of phases...ones we can fess up to and other's we'd rather leave in the dark, everything we do has a meaning and it's weither or not we choose to search and understand that meaning that enables our growth as a people. From what we decide to wear each day to the people we choose to surround oursleves with.

An old friend told me, "we decide who were gonna be in someone life, and thats done either on purpose or by the traits we bring to the relationship". And nothing has ever made more sense, but it took me all of 30 sec. to find a debatable angle for his statement. I argued that yea we do have some say in how we interact with each other but its impossible to pick your role in someone else's life. We argued over the topic for a while and decided it was simply easier to agree to disagree. Maybe I was right, but he had made a lot of sense. The simple idea that I could decide up front before any type of relationship, it being platonic or not, that I could establish myself in a concrete aspect or as an option to someone else made me think back to a few of my past relationships.

I've always been a firm believer that we as people are selfish and through anything we do there is some self-benefiting. We hold ourselves to be the key or core to life, and its just easy to think it's my life so why shouldn't I, so we made relationships with people who believe are compatable with us. Or inferior to securt our dominance. I've always had a strong personality and yes I can say I've made friendships with people I knew weren't as strong willed or stubborn as I. And I'm more than sure I'm not alone in this, we chalk it up to be "oh I'm finding someone to balance me out, I'm the loud one so I needed a quiet friend to even things out", no when in actuality we needed someone to stand beside us and make us shine brighter. Selfishness at it's purest of states.



It's Monday and i'm still floating from my weekend high! THIS WEEKEND WAS EPIC and i didnt do anything all extra...tho i was a model! lol got to strut my stuff on thr GAYRVA runway alongside some really awesome people! and i had an awesome support team! MY RL OF COURSE my LOVE BUG and GREG! lol P.DOT was there too but she kinda put a damper on my night...idk what the deal was. ANYWHOOO i walked that runway like it was nobody's business HELLO! lol adn Sunday Nick turned 5, really enjoyed myself at his party. lol

OK so on to the deep shit!...lol I've finally gotten my life where i want it. U know i'm independent finally able to hold my own and say this is in my life because i want it there. I'm MAKING THINGS HAPPEN for me, i love my family, friends, CAR, house, JOB lol i just love life. though i have hit a snag. the people i thought i was closest too are slowly retreating. IDK whats up but it hurts u know to try and be there for someone when ur not even sure they even want u there

welp i guess somepeople are only ment to be there for a season...just was hoping it wasn't you...or you...ugh :super sad face:

Currently at work enjoying the slow morning...i honestly need to get more focused in my history class. like everything else is comin easy to me but this history! UGHHHHH lol so today after work i am goin to the gym sitting in the suna for a while :to clear my head: THEN back here for class and ALL DAY TOMORROW im gonna study for history and get it together

.....i have to learn to better manage my funds!



Going to Baltimore this weekend for SHANI's Birthday! lol excited
means I got things to do:

*wash clothes

*find a cat sitter

*clean house

*pack bag

*figure out what I'm packing

*do hair

*do nails

*get a new duffle bag/suitcase


ANNNNDDDD almost valentines day! I haven't had a valentine since 12th grade! lol Idk if I'm even gonna have one this year but I love the holiday anyways! Gonna spoil the RL lol and consider getting Pretty something.

IDK whats been up lately, emotions have been on this horrible up down, I think its the universes way of saying "HELLO DIAMOND CHANGE SOMETHING...AND WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT YOUR HAIR COLOR" sooo I did! Deleted some people from my life recently (nothing super drastic) but I had to cut some ties and burn some bridges!

I honestly only wanted to blog something because it's February and I hadn't posted for this month yet! lol sad I know, whatev! S/N: looking for a new job! tired of the same thing everyday! Which means its time I update my resume and get the hunting! lol

It always amazes me how I feel so much better and lighter after I ramble on here for a bit...even when I wasn't aware that I was feeling down in the first place




My Drug

Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs. ~Lily Tomlin

Poetry...it's the glue that binds me together. And its one of the few things I have for me, when I write I'm telling myself how I feel.



lol Oh how I hate to speak to soon and have to put my foot in my mouth...UUUGGHHH!! Come on man, let it not be one of those. I wanted this to be something else, you kno that something else I've been waitin for (and hopefully it is and i'm just jumpin the gun here) but DAMN UGH "Pretty" get outta ya feelings


...it's friday YAY! oh and I'm gonna be in that VCU HomeConcert Wale and J.Cole WHAT WHAT! lol im excited! just gotta find something to wear cuz of course VCU is the Fashion Capital of downtown Richmond lol and I don't wanna look like a scummy bum.

Oh I did the gayest shit last night...called "Shahid" A.K.A Pretty while i was paintin my nails...and I dont remember hangin up so I'm sure i fell asleep on the phone ((lol...some gay shit I haven't done in years!))


Because he read my blog

...lol I get like so embarrassed when people I know reads this thing or my poetry or anything for that matter I don't kno why I just do. And yesterday when he told me he read my blog I damn near pissed myself I was so mortified! It's not like it's something so secretive or whatnot lol I don't kno I'm just silly that way!...lol but I did promise him I'd write about him today so here it is! We all kno I randomly go on this rant and rave about "Pretty" who never really was a actual person just the pet name I gave to my ego or my flirty side I guess. Sometimes pretty was a person you know, whoever had my interest at the moment wither they knew it or not. But ladies and gentlemen I do indeed have a "Pretty" now...lol he's a cutie and funny so I think I might like the kid. Not too sure what that means at the moment but I enjoy his conversation and he's easily entertained so who knows what's what and what's gonna be yet. Its 2011 I'm just goin day to day with whatever rolls my way...and if its "Pretty" cool if not that's cool too.
ON ANOTHER ISSUE! 2011 HAS TO BE MY YEAR! lol I mean Bitch I'M BAD! lol Toni and I are on good terms again (like I mentioned before) and I love it! Missed that girl you kno, so she's welcomed back with open arms...while at arms distance if that at all makes sense. I'm no fool she still has to earn a few things back...like my trust and shit! lol ALSO Jay mentioned him too last time. I like that guy! lol not in a "I wanna love him one day" kinda way but a "I'm glad I made a friend in him" kinda way and if things start to lean in another direction I don't kno what to think. I mean I'm single with no commitments to anybody but I'm not pimp it's just not in my blood! But if things start to go in any "relationship" direction with anyone (Toni [doubt it] Pretty, or Jay) I'll be sure that its what I want and not hurt anyone elses' feelings lol LOOK AT ME AND SHIT! lol


The Mondays

Normally on a Monday morning I'm in the crankiest mood, but today is different and I'm not even sure why. It could be because I slept good or had a awesome weekend whatever it is I love it and could really get use to it. Bumper tho I didn't make it to the gym today before work welp! i'll bust ass tomorrow PROMISE...lol lately life has been really random but it feels good living for the moment and makin it all count. I mean its not like I'm going base jumping or anything just deciding to live for me and making me happy first and foremost. OH I decided to give toni another chance but this time I def got a wall up and moving at a creepy slow pace. AND jay is turnin out to be a very interesting person, nothing serious or whatever but conversation is nice to have with someone who is just as educated as you.
Any who my 21st birthday is just a few months away and im tryna get in shape lol...not for my birthday but just for me u kno feel better about me and the temple I have to live in. lol OH I need ideas for my birthday IDK what to do...Ugh lol off to work and study some for this test tomorrow!



There's been this calm that's takin a hold of me and its like I can feel the fire bubbling just under the surface, yet I'm content in this calm. I'm an emotional person we all know what and I ride my highs as I do my lows with a smile until i crack and spew all that the dam was once holdin back. Funny how you learn yourself and know just when your gonna lose it. But I guess if anyone is to know that, it would be yourself...lol...i'd like to believe my life is just a constant throwing of curve balls and i can't say I'd want it any other way. I like the not knowing whats around the corner but i have a difficult time with change..I kno I kno change is constant and needed and blah blah blah CHANGE MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLE OK! lol
I love writing on this thing it always make me feel better and like even when what I originally wanted to get out doesn't necessarily come out I still feel this release and i can breath easy. Well for a while until something else bothers me and I remember I own this thing. YES I OWN IT...THESE ARE MY RANDOM THOUGHTS...ALL MINES! lol
I kno most people own a blog and they have some deep tale, or the worldly news, or the latest trend, all on display for consumers. I on the other hand treat my blog like my diary random burst of thoughts I can't find any other place to put em. Except when I put them here I kinda hope someone finds them and can relate some how.
*OH lol I'm goin to Maine this weekend to visit Grace again! lol I'm both excited and nervous. One I don't really like planes and Two I'm not too sure I want to hear all the advice she's gonna shovel down my throat. I mean she has good intentions but I have a plan it's takin a little longer to fulfill tis all.