SHE

*She cried, tears soaked her pillow as she realized that it just wasn't meant to be. Her heart was racing, blood boiling under her skin, when the world came crashing in on her. The hole festered, burned, and left her feeling sore throughout her entire body. Her soul was numb yet pain radiated up and spread out leaving a trail that set her on fire. The pain was unbearable, but she still felt nothing.

**Nothingness swallowed her whole, an empty shell she called her home. Only controlled by one emotion at a time. Either she was happy or sad, in pain or full of glee. Unable to balance the complexity of everyday emotions, she found herself drained. Fallen robot to the important essence that made her up as a person. She no longer had her own identity.

***Identity submerged beneath the outter layers, her boundries,her wall. No longer capaible or comfortable in her own skin. Not from a fear of being judged just from no longer knowing who she is. Broken, her spirits broken, by the false advertisement of love.

****Love that has come and gone all too many times. Always there and not at the same time, new approach same ending results, same guy new face same skin. Teased from afar..always within reach yet somethings in the way. "I'm different from the rest, I'm that one guy willing to make that change" Different voice, same game.

*****Games she's tired of playing. Giving up on the chase, no longer on the hunt. She wants to hurt no more, she wants to began the healing of the sore. The fight in her soul has disappeared...now love was the only thing she feared.

ur blind...GEESH!

sometimes i just wanna call you and just scream!!!...ur so blind baby you dont notice me. i'm right in your face and you can't see me. day in and day out i listen to you complain about not having anyone real...who's willing to love you thru your flaws when baby to me those flaws are your perfections. your always talking about how you open up to someone and they hurt you, you've opened up to me, have i hurt you yet? i've gone out of my way to get you to just glismpe my way and still your blind. i'm nothing but there for you and YOU JUST DONT SEE ME! it hurts so much trying to tolerate seeing you with every other girl but me.

"There's this girl I know, so deep in love, do almost anything to make him see she's the one, but he doesn't feel a girl like her, he's so, so wrapped up, cause the average girl will give him anything he wants."

you can't just express that you like me and leave it at that...i've slowly begun to fall for you and there's nothing i can do about it. but sit back and remain unseen. i've done everything to get you to see me...all but cover myself in chocolate and lay naked before you. can't you open your eyes? can't you see me? your so blind baby, your eyes are wide open yet they look right thru me and fall upon the girl behind me, beside me, in front of me, beneath me, above me...all around me yet never upon me!

"Blind and so native to whats smack dead in front of you, you'll search for years, for what always been right beside you, when you finally realize and your eyes become unglued...she'll have moved on and no longer wants you"

is it too much?

Yesterday i sat back and talked to my boyfriend...i wanted to discuss with him the aspects of our relationship and how we saw things working out for us. We've been datin for 5 months and it's been pretty steady we've had our spats and we've picked fights but in the end we love each other. We decided to talk just because we were sittin alone long enough with nothing on tv. (lol) He asked me if there was anything i wanted out of the relationship that wasn't already there...and i couldn't think of anything right off the bat. So i asked him the same question, and he wanted to spend more alone time with me which was understandable. Because everytime we get together there's either his friends or my friends, his family or my family, never any me and him time, so i agreed that i'd put forth more effort to make time for him and i alone. He asked me again if there was anything i felt lacked in the relationship. I thought and it hit me very vague like, when we did hang around each other we never sat close, never held hands, never cuddled, never did any of the touchy feely things. (i love the touchy feely things) i mean we hugged and kissed when first entering a room with each other and then we where on different ends of the room for the remainder of the time. so i told him i wanted us to touch more...and after clearfyin that i didn't mean sexually but just being near each other more. His face scrunched up he looked confused. He told me that i was crazy...that what i was askin for was crazy. I then became confused as well. Like how could that be considered crazy, i just wanted to touch him close enough were i can lay my head on his shoulder or lay across his lap. He said there shouldn't be an issue with him sitting on a different couch. I never said it was i would just like for him to be on the couch with me and not just be there but want to be there. He continued to argue that my request was crazy and way to much. I didn't want it to be an argument so i dropped it, yet i'm confused as to what else is to much? And in deed am i really askin for too much? All i want is to be next to him....

coming unglued....

*i giggle to hide my pain
**i cry outside but only when it rains
***i give in instead of up
****i believe in hope instead of luck
*****my emotions i can hardly contain
******i am the picture torn from its frame
*****i woke up this morning and found my soul starin down upon me
****it was confused my the person i've come to be
***it asked..where'd my joy go
**it asked..why my face no longer glowed
*it worried that from this i wouldn't bounce back
**it morned the lost of my spirit
***it dreamed that one day it'd click and i would get it
****i looked at my soul and tried to defend my state of being
*****i looked at my soul and was a lost for words
******there was no point of lyin my soul always knows
*****it hurt to see my reflection to the eyes of my soul
****it killed me to feel how fast i've become so cold
***i'm dying from the realization that my soul has givin up on me
**i'm coming unglued
*no longer can soul save me

Venting

*my friend suggested i get a blog and use this as my way of releasing my stress and strains of life, at first i was using my facebook page and realized that, that might not be the best thing. she helped me realize that and i'm glad she did. recently in life i've hit many a brick walls and with fear in my heart that i wont be able to overcome i just ran in the opposite direction. ran as far away from my obstacles as i could. i want to stop running but my legs wont quiet they wouldnt give up. but the determination they hold is leading me on the wrong path. away from my problems and into others. i want to be able to face my issues head on and defeat them

** yesterday, i tried something new. i tried to brush off the negative emotions i was feeling and replace them with giggles...which led to my laughin at inappropriate moments (which was just fine by me) and it gave me loads of energy. i was just hype and ready to take on anything. after a while the negative emotions became my fuel to push pass and look for the good in the bad. the giggles began to become genuine and eventually i wasn't feeling those negative emotions. i let it all fade to the back of my mind and found something healthy to do to keep me busy. but as soon as i was alone those emotions slipped out of their box and flooded my head. i was free with nothing left to do, i had thinking time (which is my weakness) when im alone i refuse to focus on the good and all those horrible feelings from earlier in the day, three days ago, last week, two years ago come crashing in on me. it rips me from my delicate frame and shatters my everything. thats why i hate being alone...i fear being left with just my thoughts, i fear just being alone. at night when i lay ready for bed tears start to fall and i couldn't tell you how or why...its this heavy feeling that takes all control and i have a meltdown.

ReLApSE

i remember the day those words first escaped ya lips...how they sent shivers up and down my spine, how i couldn't hear them enough, and in response they weren't strong enough. now looking back i wonder what you were truly feeling when you said them to me. loving you came so naturally i wonder if loving me was that easy. i'm not a simple person, kinda like an onion i have layers...lol and you peeled past them all still you said you loved me...LOVED ME. i wonder if it was as easy to stop loving as it was to love me...my world was shattered and i'm still gluein pieces back together. working on the outside so it appears that all is ok, with the inside i'm afraid to touch. maybe i wont find all the pieces, maybe i wont remember how they fit, maybe you took a few pieces as keepsakes but why, just to say you can. to keep me under your spell, to hoover over me giving me slight glimpse of that use to be love, to wait til i build me up only to realize the most vital fragments aren't around. there's a hole i just haven't been able to find out just where it is. its festering and it stings and it burns...it sends a radiating pain throughout my entire soul and for some reason i dont want it to stop. the sting the burn it comforts me, reminds me of what i did have...better to have had and lost than to not have had at all right. my fingers have grown weary and my brain drained...thinking what made him stop loving me?

its my relapse my monthly relapse my weekly relapse my daily relapse...its my way of lovin you without lovin you. its my excuse to cry dry tears to whimper subconsciously to find any reason to sleep so i can dream. i'm sensitive and i know it....i'm using this as a crouch...to help me stand and lie to myself and everyone who looks my way that "yea baby there's nothing wrong i'm ok" when there is something wrong..there's alot wrong. i gave you my heart and its key...you tossed em in the lost and found and now i'm lost dying to be found my you and only you. because only you can mend what was broken, this glue wont hold but for another day or two and then im back to another relapse. stuck on stupid thinking about you. i say i'm ready to move on but i can't because i dont have the will to.

the will to find better...not even looking because i eyes are still only for you...its sad kinda sadder than sad, but i cant deny whats what in the matters of the heart. i went into writing this blind just needed to vent and speed up the process i'm bound to repeat some other time this week. it's my relapse and its taking over me