i remember the day those words first escaped ya lips...how they sent shivers up and down my spine, how i couldn't hear them enough, and in response they weren't strong enough. now looking back i wonder what you were truly feeling when you said them to me. loving you came so naturally i wonder if loving me was that easy. i'm not a simple person, kinda like an onion i have layers...lol and you peeled past them all still you said you loved me...LOVED ME. i wonder if it was as easy to stop loving as it was to love me...my world was shattered and i'm still gluein pieces back together. working on the outside so it appears that all is ok, with the inside i'm afraid to touch. maybe i wont find all the pieces, maybe i wont remember how they fit, maybe you took a few pieces as keepsakes but why, just to say you can. to keep me under your spell, to hoover over me giving me slight glimpse of that use to be love, to wait til i build me up only to realize the most vital fragments aren't around. there's a hole i just haven't been able to find out just where it is. its festering and it stings and it burns...it sends a radiating pain throughout my entire soul and for some reason i dont want it to stop. the sting the burn it comforts me, reminds me of what i did have...better to have had and lost than to not have had at all right. my fingers have grown weary and my brain drained...thinking what made him stop loving me?
its my relapse my monthly relapse my weekly relapse my daily relapse...its my way of lovin you without lovin you. its my excuse to cry dry tears to whimper subconsciously to find any reason to sleep so i can dream. i'm sensitive and i know it....i'm using this as a crouch...to help me stand and lie to myself and everyone who looks my way that "yea baby there's nothing wrong i'm ok" when there is something wrong..there's alot wrong. i gave you my heart and its key...you tossed em in the lost and found and now i'm lost dying to be found my you and only you. because only you can mend what was broken, this glue wont hold but for another day or two and then im back to another relapse. stuck on stupid thinking about you. i say i'm ready to move on but i can't because i dont have the will to.
the will to find better...not even looking because i eyes are still only for you...its sad kinda sadder than sad, but i cant deny whats what in the matters of the heart. i went into writing this blind just needed to vent and speed up the process i'm bound to repeat some other time this week. it's my relapse and its taking over me