random thoughts

-i feel like sex has taken a large part of my life...and i find myself giving into temptation and at times having sex when i don't want to or worse with people i don't want to. so I'm not gonna have sex for a while and see where it takes me.

--sometimes i feel like the world is moving around me and I'm stuck standing still, so i put myself into overdrive and move move move until I'm burnt out...i fidget a lot.

---i prioritize the wrong people in my life, putting those unworthy on a pedestal, being loyal to, and making excuses for people who could on a good day not give two shits about me. time to make a change

----you ever just wanna hurt somebody?...like really physically hurt someone (no one in particular) but just get the urge to cause somebody anybody a complete stranger bodily harm? i do (does that make me a nut, should i go see someone?) lol sometimes i just wanna punch a kid in the face

-----maybe i should see someone...lol it couldn't hurt, right?

------well it's morning and I've rambled enough got some stuff off my chest, be back later I'm sure of it!

Pillow Talk

I lay in bed last night and before finally slipping into my slumber i had a conversation with myself. Not aloud lol i'm not that much a nut, but internally; i discussed where i was in life and where i wanted to be. As a child you always image how life's gonna be when your a grown up. Well i am a grown up and i couldn't be further away from that childhood image. I envision that by the rip old age of 21 i'd be in my career with a steady relationship or marriage a nice home dog car and maybe a little one...what made me think that by 21 that's be my reality, why did i feel like i had to have it all figured out? Why do i still feel as if i should have it all figured out? Rushing so much on myself, just makes me feel as if i've failed and is to far behind in life. I'm 21 for heavens sake, and when i look at what i do have i'm well ahead of the people in my age group. But it doesn't feel like enough. after some more thoughts and some "A.D.D" moments i came to the conclusion that i was gonna try my damnest to live life as it comes day to day and make the best decisions i know how. Because at the end of the day i'm the determinate of my happiness and if i waste away stressing what i don't have and worrying about what i do have i'm gonna miss the blessings that await me....SO, GOOD MORNING WORLD...and thank you lord for all you've given to me

Life is a series of phases...ones we can fess up to and other's we'd rather leave in the dark, everything we do has a meaning and it's weither or not we choose to search and understand that meaning that enables our growth as a people. From what we decide to wear each day to the people we choose to surround oursleves with.


An old friend told me, "we decide who were gonna be in someone life, and thats done either on purpose or by the traits we bring to the relationship". And nothing has ever made more sense, but it took me all of 30 sec. to find a debatable angle for his statement. I argued that yea we do have some say in how we interact with each other but its impossible to pick your role in someone else's life. We argued over the topic for a while and decided it was simply easier to agree to disagree. Maybe I was right, but he had made a lot of sense. The simple idea that I could decide up front before any type of relationship, it being platonic or not, that I could establish myself in a concrete aspect or as an option to someone else made me think back to a few of my past relationships.


I've always been a firm believer that we as people are selfish and through anything we do there is some self-benefiting. We hold ourselves to be the key or core to life, and its just easy to think it's my life so why shouldn't I, so we made relationships with people who believe are compatable with us. Or inferior to securt our dominance. I've always had a strong personality and yes I can say I've made friendships with people I knew weren't as strong willed or stubborn as I. And I'm more than sure I'm not alone in this, we chalk it up to be "oh I'm finding someone to balance me out, I'm the loud one so I needed a quiet friend to even things out", no when in actuality we needed someone to stand beside us and make us shine brighter. Selfishness at it's purest of states.