The Mondays

Normally on a Monday morning I'm in the crankiest mood, but today is different and I'm not even sure why. It could be because I slept good or had a awesome weekend whatever it is I love it and could really get use to it. Bumper tho I didn't make it to the gym today before work welp! i'll bust ass tomorrow PROMISE...lol lately life has been really random but it feels good living for the moment and makin it all count. I mean its not like I'm going base jumping or anything just deciding to live for me and making me happy first and foremost. OH I decided to give toni another chance but this time I def got a wall up and moving at a creepy slow pace. AND jay is turnin out to be a very interesting person, nothing serious or whatever but conversation is nice to have with someone who is just as educated as you.

Any who my 21st birthday is just a few months away and im tryna get in shape lol...not for my birthday but just for me u kno feel better about me and the temple I have to live in. lol OH I need ideas for my birthday IDK what to do...Ugh lol off to work and study some for this test tomorrow!

Grenade

There's been this calm that's takin a hold of me and its like I can feel the fire bubbling just under the surface, yet I'm content in this calm. I'm an emotional person we all know what and I ride my highs as I do my lows with a smile until i crack and spew all that the dam was once holdin back. Funny how you learn yourself and know just when your gonna lose it. But I guess if anyone is to know that, it would be yourself...lol...i'd like to believe my life is just a constant throwing of curve balls and i can't say I'd want it any other way. I like the not knowing whats around the corner but i have a difficult time with change..I kno I kno change is constant and needed and blah blah blah CHANGE MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLE OK! lol

I love writing on this thing it always make me feel better and like even when what I originally wanted to get out doesn't necessarily come out I still feel this release and i can breath easy. Well for a while until something else bothers me and I remember I own this thing. YES I OWN IT...THESE ARE MY RANDOM THOUGHTS...ALL MINES! lol

I kno most people own a blog and they have some deep tale, or the worldly news, or the latest trend, all on display for consumers. I on the other hand treat my blog like my diary random burst of thoughts I can't find any other place to put em. Except when I put them here I kinda hope someone finds them and can relate some how.

*OH lol I'm goin to Maine this weekend to visit Grace again! lol I'm both excited and nervous. One I don't really like planes and Two I'm not too sure I want to hear all the advice she's gonna shovel down my throat. I mean she has good intentions but I have a plan it's takin a little longer to fulfill tis all.

...from a compulsive rambler

Why do I always end up this way?...Hurt, Tired, Fighting the feelings to just give up. And your always at. Taking in consideration that in this case you = multiple people summed up into the root of all evil. It starts out the same...you've taking interest in me (vise verse ) we exchange numbers plan to hang out and instantly become close. Maybe I'm to open, maybe I'm allowing you to get close way too fast. An before I know it I'm your ride or die even after you pull the carpet clean from under me. Going out of my way to insure your happy at all times, putting your feelings before my own...to look like a fool caught with my pants down. When you call i answer you need money I make a withdrawal somewhere to sleep...here I'll take the couch. I confuse these feelings for love and I just assume you feel the same only when it's too late do I realize I was just victim to your game. Sad thing is this happens time and time again never learning always saying not next time I promise. A promise I break repeatedly! This time instead of saying no it wont happen I'm going to say please don't let it happen. I'm the kinda girl that forever believes in happy ever after so give up on it I can't. But I can't continue on this way...I fight so hard to let you in let you get comfortable to the point were I'm comfortable with you there...unable to let you leave until you do and I stuck in my feelings trying to figure what happened where did I miss this up this time? You disappear leaving me torn the reappear as I've finally patched up my wounds...with a excuse or a sob story and there I am with open arms...oh you need someplace to sleep again no worries my beds still welcoming. UGH! done with the likes of yous' and this time i mean it seriously