SMORES!!!

every 5 or 10 minutes i find myself making some excuse to say his name or think of him...geesh whats that age you get to when crushes don't exist?...lol well whatever!!

this weekend was a good one, Friday i cleaned and spent time with "him", Saturday the trio hung out pizza Priscilla's and movies and more time with "him"!!! what a combo! and Sunday i got my hair did...by besty came home and TEXT me which made me feel better...[and again I'm sorry for whatever i might have done to offend her or make her mad. ((we're talking now!! love that girl gosh!!))] oh and Sunday brittums and tierra feel in love! quite with the gayness [no offence]

lol work today went swell!

having a few health issues and I'm the worse when it comes to seeing a doctor. i guess I'll have to go if i plan to get any better. so this week I'm hitting the doctors just gotta find a day i can make it.

oh oh so check this...last night i had the strangest dream right! there was ghost and baby ghost and "him" and whales it was odd and weird there was this mouse that like followed me everywhere with a "help homeless" sign it was like crazy strange lol WEIRD!

but I'm going to check my midterm grade for aerobic weight training and then peace outty...

blog about it later!

Fri.

Fell asleep with the love of my life in my ear...felt like old times.

You know even after everything thats went down in my life and all the lows i've been through...he's still the guy he started out to be. I've always felt like i can talk to him and i know that after each conversation i'll feel better, happier, stronger, more in control of my surroundings. Even if it wasn't a good conversation and things got emotional or heavy i still came out of it with something positive to reflect on.

woke up on time i guess u can say showered dressed and waited...i was dress and ready before taryn got there..which means i was earlier better i mean on time!...i did a good thing! lol

the weekend begins at 4:30 and i cant wait not that i have plans but that i get to sleep in saturday morning and possibly go visit my sisters which i LOVE!!! lol

honestly im not as chipper as im coming across but i figured if i pretend to be then it'll catch on and eventually be true.

((btw when did dora grow up))

OH oh Oh!!

....the pictures of chuck!!! i've got em!!

THANKS TARYN I LOVE HIM!!

isn't he cute!!! my stinka!!

pumping iron!! chuck's a buff guy!

EARLY WEEK RECAP

...blogging blogging blogging...wat to blog about?

THIS WEEK HAS BEEN VERY EVENTFUL...

in ways worth mentioning. I've had some crazy things happen today even...girl Carmen((that liked me or watever we exchanged numbers a while back but things didnt pan out so i lost her number told her to lose mine)) so anyways Carmen comes into my job ask for some assistance all cool right..im at work so im bein polite, having tack and watnot when she gets all crazy on me. taklin "I like and i dont normally like act this way but i like u and i didn't lose ya number i want you...blah blah blah" CREEPY SCARY SHIT! she starts to irritate me at work and is kinda makin a scene IN MY FUCKIN JOB BRAH!!! thats wat i get for being nice to people and talking to them.

**new rule for me to live by: stop giving my number out and being nice to people i know i really dont like!!

-yesterday there was a change of plans me and brittums went out to dinner and Darell tagged along!! it was great we did pizza and chilled at mi casa for a bit! it's been a long time since the tres amigos kicked it...((i'm thinkin since 11th gade))

--i think i did something to pee off my besty, idk i just feel like she's mad at me and i feel bad idk wat i did, if i said something im sorry. maybe im just buggin maybe she's just chill but i feel horrible with the lingering feelin like i hurt her feelings or made her mad.

---i took my Spanish quiz [i kno just a quiz] and i think i did pretty good! probably the first time i felt that way about Spanish in a while

----yesterday was the highlight of my week im sure of it, probably wont experience that joy again for a while. not that im thinkin negative but that i think im BI-POLAR just a bit too many extreme high and lows

THIS WEEKEND:

*i wont have my besty she's goin home for some family fun!! hope she has a blast!

**think ill take this weekend to take care of things i've been neglecting

***oh gettin my hair done is a must!

****might buy a few things for all hollows eve!

***clean house...im off this Saturday ill do some serious spring cleaning ((its fall i kno watever!))

**hope i get the car if not i'll do more driving I GOTTA PRACTICE PARKING FOR THE TEST!

*i'm gonna miss Taryn!

MOVIE NITE!!!

todays been so frickin awesome so far...like ahh i woke up and that was grand enough just to be awake...i feel good today...like everything feels clean and fresh!



guess what! me and the BFF BRITTUMS are goin to the byrd to catch a flick today!! how sweet!!



lol this morning my besty TARYN surprised me with a dinkie dinoa!! which is a type of tamagotchi! Which was awesome!! ((btw i've been using awesome a whole lot now)) Its a monkey named Chuck, and i think i love hims faces!! Seeing as how he's the cutest thing i kno of! GO CHUCK!!! lol



...so i decided to write in my blog everyday even if its simple things like this it give me the chance to express the way i feel and better get thru the day.


oh OH oH theres this guy...and i know you dont have to tell me yes this is very elementary. but anywho theres this guy that i happen to be fond of maybe more than i lead myself to believe and i just wanted to say he was cute and that i liked him and that although we talk and stuff, i want him to like me back! LOL

WOKE UP

....Been a mi-nute minute since i felt the need to blog and i realized so much has happened since that just didn't seem important enough to blog about. AND GUESS WHAT who cares that its not life changing important i can blog about the gum i JUST jammed my knee into at work' at the front desk. Which means a member of the staff that works in this room is not mature enough to trash their frickin gum...UGGH my jeans, agh what a mess.

OH and btw i have on matching socks today, which is odd seeing as how i don't normally wear matching socks. Makes me feel unbalanced; odd right??

In all reality some life changing events has happened to me recently some grand and welcomed others not so much but either way i learned something new. And while looking at the bigger picture learning is always key...lol

Oh OH oH....I just exchanged numbers with my homie GaMMon again, we kinda fell off when he moved, but bac to the matter...we're back in contact and I'm ever so glad! He in all his awesomeness! My phone hasn't been this happy in a while. He's my white male Oprah! GEESH i didn't realize how much I'd missed him until he was back in my celly! MUCHO AMOUNTS

AWESOME KID!!! lol

shud it even matter?

The sun kisses the horizon as it takes its place allowing the night sky to sore and envelope the space between the earth and the heavens. She finds bliss in the knowing of slumber as it approaches and lays weight on her beautiful lids. Thoughts so peaceful greet her as she drifts off into sleep. Her subconscious ideas, emotions, interest, and thoughts become her dreams, a weightless, fearless chamber with webs of memories some good others not so much, intricate blends of the past, present, wat is to come, and wat will never be. That is until her subconscious rocks her reality, from peace to dismay, deep earth shattering swirls so power it steals her ability to breath. Feeling smothered she searches for air, reaches for wat seems not to be there. Unable to wake she is falling deeper and deeper into the unmentionable. She runs from nothing in particular and towards wat she hopes is relief.

~I got my life and its my only one I got the night, I'm running from the sun So goodnight, I made it out the door~ Kanye West

In the frame made of gold plated brass, lays a picture not so much a picture but the negative of an image that captures his heart and makes whole his world. A women laughing with the most joyous glee. His fingers trace, lightly barely touching the glass that separates his flesh from the film that is the picture. Why frame and care so effortlessly for a negative? Why not, is the only reasoning he can muster as a response, because his vocabulary lacks the define precious words to honestly answer. This women, made by GOD for no one but him has seen better days, she embodies youth and her free spirited will draws him close although distance is wat is asked of him. To he the absence of she leaves him in the most intense agonizing pain. Yet he embraces this pain and uses it to blanket him throughout his days. Because the pain has become his friend. A constant reminder of the love, joy, spiritual awareness of wat use to be.

~See I dont need no alcohol Your love makes me feel ten feet tall Without it Id go through withdrawal cause nothing even matters at all~ D'Angelo

SHE

*She cried, tears soaked her pillow as she realized that it just wasn't meant to be. Her heart was racing, blood boiling under her skin, when the world came crashing in on her. The hole festered, burned, and left her feeling sore throughout her entire body. Her soul was numb yet pain radiated up and spread out leaving a trail that set her on fire. The pain was unbearable, but she still felt nothing.

**Nothingness swallowed her whole, an empty shell she called her home. Only controlled by one emotion at a time. Either she was happy or sad, in pain or full of glee. Unable to balance the complexity of everyday emotions, she found herself drained. Fallen robot to the important essence that made her up as a person. She no longer had her own identity.

***Identity submerged beneath the outter layers, her boundries,her wall. No longer capaible or comfortable in her own skin. Not from a fear of being judged just from no longer knowing who she is. Broken, her spirits broken, by the false advertisement of love.

****Love that has come and gone all too many times. Always there and not at the same time, new approach same ending results, same guy new face same skin. Teased from afar..always within reach yet somethings in the way. "I'm different from the rest, I'm that one guy willing to make that change" Different voice, same game.

*****Games she's tired of playing. Giving up on the chase, no longer on the hunt. She wants to hurt no more, she wants to began the healing of the sore. The fight in her soul has disappeared...now love was the only thing she feared.

ur blind...GEESH!

sometimes i just wanna call you and just scream!!!...ur so blind baby you dont notice me. i'm right in your face and you can't see me. day in and day out i listen to you complain about not having anyone real...who's willing to love you thru your flaws when baby to me those flaws are your perfections. your always talking about how you open up to someone and they hurt you, you've opened up to me, have i hurt you yet? i've gone out of my way to get you to just glismpe my way and still your blind. i'm nothing but there for you and YOU JUST DONT SEE ME! it hurts so much trying to tolerate seeing you with every other girl but me.

"There's this girl I know, so deep in love, do almost anything to make him see she's the one, but he doesn't feel a girl like her, he's so, so wrapped up, cause the average girl will give him anything he wants."

you can't just express that you like me and leave it at that...i've slowly begun to fall for you and there's nothing i can do about it. but sit back and remain unseen. i've done everything to get you to see me...all but cover myself in chocolate and lay naked before you. can't you open your eyes? can't you see me? your so blind baby, your eyes are wide open yet they look right thru me and fall upon the girl behind me, beside me, in front of me, beneath me, above me...all around me yet never upon me!

"Blind and so native to whats smack dead in front of you, you'll search for years, for what always been right beside you, when you finally realize and your eyes become unglued...she'll have moved on and no longer wants you"

is it too much?

Yesterday i sat back and talked to my boyfriend...i wanted to discuss with him the aspects of our relationship and how we saw things working out for us. We've been datin for 5 months and it's been pretty steady we've had our spats and we've picked fights but in the end we love each other. We decided to talk just because we were sittin alone long enough with nothing on tv. (lol) He asked me if there was anything i wanted out of the relationship that wasn't already there...and i couldn't think of anything right off the bat. So i asked him the same question, and he wanted to spend more alone time with me which was understandable. Because everytime we get together there's either his friends or my friends, his family or my family, never any me and him time, so i agreed that i'd put forth more effort to make time for him and i alone. He asked me again if there was anything i felt lacked in the relationship. I thought and it hit me very vague like, when we did hang around each other we never sat close, never held hands, never cuddled, never did any of the touchy feely things. (i love the touchy feely things) i mean we hugged and kissed when first entering a room with each other and then we where on different ends of the room for the remainder of the time. so i told him i wanted us to touch more...and after clearfyin that i didn't mean sexually but just being near each other more. His face scrunched up he looked confused. He told me that i was crazy...that what i was askin for was crazy. I then became confused as well. Like how could that be considered crazy, i just wanted to touch him close enough were i can lay my head on his shoulder or lay across his lap. He said there shouldn't be an issue with him sitting on a different couch. I never said it was i would just like for him to be on the couch with me and not just be there but want to be there. He continued to argue that my request was crazy and way to much. I didn't want it to be an argument so i dropped it, yet i'm confused as to what else is to much? And in deed am i really askin for too much? All i want is to be next to him....

coming unglued....

*i giggle to hide my pain
**i cry outside but only when it rains
***i give in instead of up
****i believe in hope instead of luck
*****my emotions i can hardly contain
******i am the picture torn from its frame
*****i woke up this morning and found my soul starin down upon me
****it was confused my the person i've come to be
***it asked..where'd my joy go
**it asked..why my face no longer glowed
*it worried that from this i wouldn't bounce back
**it morned the lost of my spirit
***it dreamed that one day it'd click and i would get it
****i looked at my soul and tried to defend my state of being
*****i looked at my soul and was a lost for words
******there was no point of lyin my soul always knows
*****it hurt to see my reflection to the eyes of my soul
****it killed me to feel how fast i've become so cold
***i'm dying from the realization that my soul has givin up on me
**i'm coming unglued
*no longer can soul save me

Venting

*my friend suggested i get a blog and use this as my way of releasing my stress and strains of life, at first i was using my facebook page and realized that, that might not be the best thing. she helped me realize that and i'm glad she did. recently in life i've hit many a brick walls and with fear in my heart that i wont be able to overcome i just ran in the opposite direction. ran as far away from my obstacles as i could. i want to stop running but my legs wont quiet they wouldnt give up. but the determination they hold is leading me on the wrong path. away from my problems and into others. i want to be able to face my issues head on and defeat them

** yesterday, i tried something new. i tried to brush off the negative emotions i was feeling and replace them with giggles...which led to my laughin at inappropriate moments (which was just fine by me) and it gave me loads of energy. i was just hype and ready to take on anything. after a while the negative emotions became my fuel to push pass and look for the good in the bad. the giggles began to become genuine and eventually i wasn't feeling those negative emotions. i let it all fade to the back of my mind and found something healthy to do to keep me busy. but as soon as i was alone those emotions slipped out of their box and flooded my head. i was free with nothing left to do, i had thinking time (which is my weakness) when im alone i refuse to focus on the good and all those horrible feelings from earlier in the day, three days ago, last week, two years ago come crashing in on me. it rips me from my delicate frame and shatters my everything. thats why i hate being alone...i fear being left with just my thoughts, i fear just being alone. at night when i lay ready for bed tears start to fall and i couldn't tell you how or why...its this heavy feeling that takes all control and i have a meltdown.

ReLApSE

i remember the day those words first escaped ya lips...how they sent shivers up and down my spine, how i couldn't hear them enough, and in response they weren't strong enough. now looking back i wonder what you were truly feeling when you said them to me. loving you came so naturally i wonder if loving me was that easy. i'm not a simple person, kinda like an onion i have layers...lol and you peeled past them all still you said you loved me...LOVED ME. i wonder if it was as easy to stop loving as it was to love me...my world was shattered and i'm still gluein pieces back together. working on the outside so it appears that all is ok, with the inside i'm afraid to touch. maybe i wont find all the pieces, maybe i wont remember how they fit, maybe you took a few pieces as keepsakes but why, just to say you can. to keep me under your spell, to hoover over me giving me slight glimpse of that use to be love, to wait til i build me up only to realize the most vital fragments aren't around. there's a hole i just haven't been able to find out just where it is. its festering and it stings and it burns...it sends a radiating pain throughout my entire soul and for some reason i dont want it to stop. the sting the burn it comforts me, reminds me of what i did have...better to have had and lost than to not have had at all right. my fingers have grown weary and my brain drained...thinking what made him stop loving me?

its my relapse my monthly relapse my weekly relapse my daily relapse...its my way of lovin you without lovin you. its my excuse to cry dry tears to whimper subconsciously to find any reason to sleep so i can dream. i'm sensitive and i know it....i'm using this as a crouch...to help me stand and lie to myself and everyone who looks my way that "yea baby there's nothing wrong i'm ok" when there is something wrong..there's alot wrong. i gave you my heart and its key...you tossed em in the lost and found and now i'm lost dying to be found my you and only you. because only you can mend what was broken, this glue wont hold but for another day or two and then im back to another relapse. stuck on stupid thinking about you. i say i'm ready to move on but i can't because i dont have the will to.

the will to find better...not even looking because i eyes are still only for you...its sad kinda sadder than sad, but i cant deny whats what in the matters of the heart. i went into writing this blind just needed to vent and speed up the process i'm bound to repeat some other time this week. it's my relapse and its taking over me